Cameron’s Immigration Solution

There is no more a contentious topic sweeping through the United Kingdom today than that of immigration. Ever since the start of Nigel Farage’s crusade against the European Union the migrant issue has transcended the political sphere, with anti-immigration rhetoric seeing ever increasing momentum. After UKIP’s increase in support at the general elections and David Cameron’s promise of a referendum concerning Britain’s membership of the EU and the migrant crisis in Calais, it seemed that Britain was heading on an inexorable course to isolation.

This ostensibly unstoppable force then came to a sudden halt in the last week after the general public in both the UK and continental Europe suddenly found a conscience. This was after the shocking image of a drowned Syrian boy in Turkey was circulated by worldwide mainstream media, leading to an outpouring of support for the plight of the migrants seeking refuge from their war-torn homes.

Despite the sense of morality that Britons appear to have found within themselves, there is still an underlying suspicion towards migrants. The word ‘refugee’ is still rarely used to describe those seeking amnesty in the UK, and the idea remains that those attempting to cross the North Sea are still just doing so just to make the most of the UK’s favourable benefit system.

This leaves David Cameron in the difficult position of having to show enough compassion to not be chastised by the international community, yet also a firm enough hand to appease those Eurosceptics within his own party who still might turn against him over certain issues in parliament. Consequently he has come to the conclusion that rather than radical reform to Britain’s border controls, benefit system or EU reform covering all of the above, he must simply carry out a fundamental transformation of the English language thus making it harder for potential migrants to learn.

After consultations with his counterparts in Norway and Scotland, he has been informed of the complete ease with which their citizens were able to learn English – something that was actively encouraging them to migrate to English shores. This is forcing Cameron to look to countries such as China, Russia, Greece and Finland, who are the proud owners of languages that are almost impossible to learn, so much so it has resulted in a decline even in the domestic use of their respective languages. Naturally this makes these countries far less attractive destinations for migrants, an extremely appealing prospect for the Conservatives as it allows them not to appear totally heartless when faced with the plight of the masses, but rather to come across innovative leaders simultaneously shaking off any suggestions they are opposed to significant change.

Advice is already being sought from Hungary and Finland as to how the government can complicate our grammar, pronunciation and sentence structures as well as makes our vocabulary far more irregular. As Mark Ingram once said, ‘the man that can’t communicate is no man at all’. With this policy of language complication amalgamation we would see a decline in the number of men able to communicate, resulting in a worst case scenario of only women having any desire to enter England, an immigration reduction of 65%.

Cameron has also acted at ideal time for language development in this country. Literacy rates are at a generational low, rendering the population open to language reform whilst simultaneously raising educational standards.

The only negative effect may be to the tourist industry, but given that France is the most visited country in the world, despite their combination of an impossible language and an incompatibility with any sound not already registered with Le Bureau de la Langue Française – there should still be hope that a language reform in England may not see a downswing, and even perhaps a upturn given the added charm that a holiday in which you cannot understand anything brings to our empty summers.

Language links with the United States could also finally be severed, improving the general happiness rating of the English by 3%, given the removal of the constant pain of hearing your language butchered by foreigners on a daily basis.

This would be a home run policy for David Cameron, cost effective and innovative, and without the guilty consciousness of slamming the door on immigrants wanting to come to England. It will also allow him to focus on the terrifying rise of socialism in the UK, and the protection the country will need in order to tackle this threat over the coming months.

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